Faulty Parenting

Selected Spirit of Prophecy Counsel

Some parents continually pet and indulge their young children because giving in seems easier than correcting wrong behavior. Allowing children to have their own way may make parenting appear smoother for the moment, but it is a failure to carry out parental responsibility. When selfish impulses, uncontrolled desires, and unruly tendencies are left unchecked, they can develop into deeply rooted character defects. Children raised without proper restraint may enter adulthood unable to handle disappointment, hardship, or opposition. They may become demanding, controlling, and resentful when others do not submit to their wishes.
— Paraphrased from CG 178.1

Parents can unintentionally become servants to their children when they continually arrange family life around the children’s pleasure, entertainment, and desires. Such parenting teaches children to place themselves at the center of the home. As they grow older, they may become proud, self-important, resistant to parental authority, and unwilling to perform ordinary responsibilities. When pleasure and self-gratification dominate their upbringing, selfishness, pride, rebellion, and a desire for recognition may become firmly established in their character.
— Paraphrased from CG 178.3

A serious parenting mistake is confusing love and sympathy with unrestricted indulgence. Parents may believe that yielding to a child is kinder than requiring obedience, but affection without proper restraint does not prepare children for Christian character. When obedience is weakly enforced and correction is avoided, children may become inconsiderate, disobedient, and difficult to guide. What appears to be kindness can therefore become a harmful form of training when parents refuse to establish necessary boundaries.
— Paraphrased from CG 179.2

Parents bear responsibility for the moral and spiritual atmosphere of the home. When children are permitted to live without proper guidance, obedience, and discipline, the consequences may extend far beyond childhood. A home governed carelessly can produce habits of disobedience, ingratitude, and disregard for God’s principles. Christian parents are therefore called to govern their families wisely, recognizing that neglecting this responsibility may contribute to their children’s separation from God’s purpose for their lives.
— Paraphrased from CG 182.2

In some homes the child effectively becomes the ruler because nearly every desire is granted and every dislike is accommodated. Parents may believe that this will make the child happy, but constant gratification often produces the opposite result. Children who are accustomed to receiving whatever they want may become restless, dissatisfied, and difficult to please. Excessive indulgence can weaken their appreciation for simple, wholesome food, useful activity, discipline, and contentment, while gradually damaging the formation of a stable character.
— Paraphrased from CG 272.4

Parents sometimes satisfy unreasonable demands merely because refusing them requires more patience and effort. Continually giving in to whining, persistence, or emotional pressure teaches children that resistance can eventually change a parent’s decision. Proper training includes helping children understand that a thoughtful parental refusal must sometimes be accepted without argument. Children need to learn that “no” can be final and that disappointment is a normal part of life.
— Paraphrased from CG 273.2

Another faulty parenting practice is minimizing a child’s wrongdoing or becoming defensive when another trustworthy person points it out. Parents should not interpret every concern about their child’s behavior as an attack on their parental authority. Wrong habits that remain uncorrected can influence not only the child but also other children and the wider community. Wise parents are willing to recognize problems honestly and correct them before harmful habits become firmly established.
— Paraphrased from CG 273.3

Parents must deal with wrong tendencies calmly but firmly while children are still young. Simply soothing temper outbursts, excusing disobedience, or repeatedly overlooking faults does not remove the underlying problem. When parents fail to teach children self-control and respect for legitimate authority, destructive habits can become stronger with time. Faithful discipline seeks to address the root of the behavior rather than merely quieting the immediate disturbance.
— Paraphrased from CG 176.2

Faulty parenting is not limited to permissiveness. Excessive severity can also damage a child’s character. When parents govern through harshness, domination, stubbornness, or an unnecessarily commanding spirit, children may respond by becoming stubborn and resistant themselves. Instead of helping children develop willing obedience, severe treatment can provoke opposition. Parental authority should therefore be exercised firmly but with gentleness, reason, and Christian love.
— Paraphrased from CG 280.1

Children are deeply affected when discipline feels unfair or is delivered through shouting, anger, threats, or uncontrolled emotion. Such treatment may discourage children and can actually awaken rebellion rather than teach obedience. Correct discipline requires parents to exercise self-control first. Calmness, consistency, fairness, and thoughtful correction are far more effective in forming a harmonious character than angry commands or impulsive punishment. A parent who cannot govern his or her own emotions will struggle to govern a child wisely.
— Paraphrased from CG 282.1

For a more complete understanding of the principles of Christian parenting, readers are encouraged to read the entire book Child Guidance by Ellen G. White. You may return to the Faith Foundations page, where the book can be downloaded from the Ellen G. White Estate.